What the Hell??? (Or...alternately, "Crash & Burn"..)

Well, I am so flustered and upset right now I'm not quite sure what in the hell I should do.To be honest, I feel a lot like just jumping off a cliff and being done with it all. I've been posting less and less frequently, but I've explained (and you all know) that this is because of the continuous deterioration of my health. I'm not getting any better, and am starting to feel like I never will. It's one thing after another, and it seems that another part of my body decides to start failing me every week. It's a brutal reality, but my team of doctor's think that they may have nailed down what is wrong with me (finally). There have been myriads of tests, appointments, and even hospital stays over the course of the last three years, and it's come down to this in the end....(and these are just the things that they have confirmed)

Fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel (in both wrists), advanced deterioration of my spine (and other spinal issues), some sort of genetic inflammatory arthritis that has consumed nearly every joint in my body, and possibly some sort of autoimmune disorder. Why not? Throw that into the mix while we're at it.

And my husband wants to know why I lay in bed and cry, why I never want to do anything, why I am so depressed and never smile for Him anymore. I am 28 years old and know nothing but pain. Morning, noon, evening, and throughout every night...it's my ever-present companion. It never leaves me. And like I said, there are new things that pop up to torture me all the time. Last week, I woke up to find my left foot swollen and throbbing. For no apparent reason. I limped around on it for a few days (like 4 or 5 at least) hoping that it was just the arthritis or something, and that it would go away or at least get somewhat better on it's own. It didn't. It got to the point where walking around and putting weight on it was too painful, (and the pain and swelling was spreading up into my ankle and leg) so I had no choice but to make yet another appointment to go see the doctor.

I love my new Dr...so much so that I have made her my new primary care doc. She's a young woman, a new physician, fresh out of med school; and she's just so kind, caring and compassionate. She doesn't rush into the room, make a few observations, write a script, shake my hand, and move onto the next patient. She sits down, asks me what's going on and what's on my mind, and just listens; giving me her full attention. She let's me talk. She let's me tell her how much it hurts (how much everything hurts) and she'll even let me cry if I need to. She doesn't think I'm a drama queen looking for attention and pain pills, she knows that I am genuinely sick. Not the "I have a cold or the flu" kind of sick..but the "I have a handful of chronic degenerative diseases and I am in constant excruciating pain" kind of sick. She did her own blood work and x rays and tests. She says that she can see the causes of my pain on the x rays, and that it was quite obvious to her that I have some serious issues that are going to require comprehensive and ongoing care and management.

The problem is that her and my rheumatologist disagree on almost everything. He doesn't think that I should be taking the pain pills..she says that anyone having to live in my condition and with this much pain deserves (at the very least) to have medication to help numb the pain. And so she continues to write me prescriptions for the pain medication that my rheumatologist disapproves of. She isn't quite sure what is going on with my foot, and ordered some x rays on it. She also told me to keep it wrapped and iced. She said that it could be gout, and given my history, she wouldn't be at all surprised if it was. The one thing they do seem to agree on is that I need to be on some sort of anti-inflammatory medication. And, after sitting there watching the muscles in my back and legs spasm and twitch uncontrollably, she added a stronger muscle relaxant than the one I have been using (valium). So we are going to try two new meds and see if they grant me any kind of relief. Relafen (an NSAID for the inflammation in my joints and soft tissue) and Zanaflex, a muscle relaxant that should ease any kind of muscular pain and spasming due to the fibro. I've only taken maybe one dose of each, so I really don't know if they are going to help yet. The Zanaflex put me right to sleep and caused me to have weird and scary dreams all night, but it did relieve some of the muscle tension and pain, thank God.

My new job didn't work out. In fact, I was only there for two days. I could not stand my boss. She was so nice when she interviewed me and offered me the position, and office position that would get me off of my feet, but really; it was all a lie.

My first day (Monday) wasn't so bad..but it was incredibly tedious and tiring. Yes, I had a desk and was allowed to be seated most of the time, but it really wasn't what I would call office work. I had to sort through stacks of thousands of contest slips and discard the applicants who weren't qualified (and there was a whole list of varying reasons a person who had entered could be disqualified, it was ridiculous), then catagorize them into 4 different piles, then alphabetize them all by last name, then look up their phone numbers in the computer to see if they had visited the resort before...it was endless monotony. And Annette, my boss who had been so kind to me when she had hired me, turned into the biggest fucking bitch I have ever had the displeasure of working with. No joke. Even on my very first day, when I was still trying to learn, she would come into my "office" and tell me that I was going too slow, that I needed to pick up the pace, and what was my problem? The work was simple, what didn't I understand? I was taken aback, but tried to let her initial comments roll off my shoulders. I took it in stride and said I would try harder.

But day two was more than I could take, honestly. Not only did she rudely nag at me several times that I was "still way too slow" and that she "just didn't understand what my problem was" when I was trying so hard..but by  the middle of my shift she started to throw personal insults at me. "Don't you know how to type?" " I thought you said you had office skills?" "Is there something wrong with your  eyes?" and I won't even go on...it was bad. Plus, she denied me a 30 minute lunch break when it had been promised and assured upon hire. Instead, I was allowed 2 five minute breaks in a seven hour period of time. Barely long enough to go to the restroom, let alone eat something. When she jumped on my back once again with "Melody, anyone else here could complete what you have accomplished tonight in a matter of an hour...this is simply unacceptable" I snapped. I didn't bother with my "five minute" lunch break, I grabbed my purse out of my desk, punched out, and made a bee line for the door. I was done. Plain and simple. I hated the woman and would not (could not) tolerate her verbal abuse any longer. I heard a sarcastic "What's wrong Melody? Are you leaving us already?" somewhere behind me as I headed out, but I ignored it. I got into my car as quickly as possible, and told the security guys at the guard shack that I was leaving and they had goddamn better get the hell out of my way and not try and stop me. They stepped back and complied. I burned rubber getting through those gates and won't ever be going back.

I had been texting my husband details concerning the situation and the verbal abuse that I was receiving and being subjected to. He said "Okay, if it's that bad, I don't expect you to take it, get the hell out and don't let anyone touch you." The bad part is that I had already quit my job at Walgreens, and now had no choice but to go crawling back. I didn't want to, but I really had no choice. Master needs me to work as much as I'm physically able, we need two incomes to survive right now, and I had to go into Walgreens and ask for my job back. I knew my boss had already interviewed several new people to replace me, and I was worried. But my Husband expected me to do what I had to do, regardless. I went in that very night on my way home, after my speedy retreat from HELL and chatted up a few of my co-workers, digging for information on the current state of affairs and what had happened in my brief absence. They told me that he'd already hired at least two new people. I winced.  They were all pretty optimistic that he might take me back, but he wouldn't be in until the following morning, and I'd have to take it up with him.

So, I set an alarm that night, and rose early the next morning while Master was still fast asleep, and I went back over there to confront him. It was hard as hell, and humbling, but I hung my head and asked him if it was too late to come back. There was a lot of hesitation followed by an unsure " I don't know Melody...I've already hired new employees. I told Him I would make myself fully available to him and would take any shift, any days of the week, that I would give him full maneuverability and not be difficult. I could see him thinking about it. I followed him as we walked back into the office area. He began analyzing the schedule. Then, after a brief pause, he said "Okay. You can come back, but it's on my terms. I'm not just going to give you your old schedule back and all of your hours. Your going to have to earn your way back in. You gave up your position and seniority here with that resignation letter, and there were a lot of people lined up who wanted your job. I'll start you at one, maybe two days a week, and we'll go from there. Understand?" I nodded. Better than nothing.

"In fact, I needed someone this morning. We're short handed today. You can go home, and come back in uniform and work right now.". "Okay" I agreed, caught a little off guard. I really wasn't prepared to go back immediately, but this is his game now, and I have no choice but to play by his rules, or not play at all. So I went home, got on some work clothes, packed a quick lunch (Hell, at least I knew I'd be getting a lunch break) and went back to work. I was extremely relieved to learn that I was still in the system as an employee, and that I had just been deactivated for the time being. That meant that I wouldn't lose my rate of pay or vacation time. Had I waited any longer, He would have completed the process of terminating my employment entirely, and I would have been screwed, in more ways than one. The time clock allowed me to punch in, but my access to the computer system had been suspended, so that took a bit of work to un-do, but we got it done. I worked 9am to 4:30 that day, my first day back, and I got a text from Master around mid-day saying "Good job, baby. I'm very proud of you."

At the end of my shift, I asked my once-again boss when the next day I will be working is, and after checking the schedule again, he told me Sunday and Monday night, 2pm-10:30pm. I accepted, because again, I had no choice. The wonderful little 8am-4pm schedule I had going for me, that I had EARNED, before I left (for a mere 5 days) is gone...and now I'm stuck with shitty night shifts, and a ruined Memorial Day weekend. If hubby and I had plans, they are pretty much trashed. No party or 3 day weekend for me. I kinda feel like he (my boss) is punishing me, and I have no idea how long this punishment will last. I guess there is going to be a little Hell to pay for awhile, and I'm just going to have to take it. That's what Master said, anyhow. :( I made a huge mistake by leaving for THE WRONG job, and now everything is all jacked up. Who knows what my schedule is going to look like now. And ya wanna know the worst of it? I got a call from another law firm this morning, asking if I'm at all interested in coming in for an interview. Sigh...

I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. If I went for this potential interview, and they offered me the job; I'd be crazy not to take it, but then omg, how angry would my boss be then? Begging for my job back and then leaving again...kinda rude. I don't want to burn any bridges, especially at a job I've been at for 5 years now, and if I did that he would definitely be done with me for good. And another thing I've come to realize recently is that I'm not even certain that I'm up to the rigors of a full time job with my health being what it is :(

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel much like a slave anymore. I'm not even sure I deserve that title. I feel like nothing but a huge stressor and let down to my husband/master. I keep being told that it isn't my fault. It's not like I did any of this to myself or have any control over my health. It's just that...well...whether it's my fault or not, the reality is that I AM a huge source of stress on my husband, and I hate myself for it. I cannot be a good slave or submissive in this state. And even the doctor's have told us, because it is their job to be honest with us, that this will be a lifelong battle for me, and that I'm going to have to be strong, and draw strength from my faith, my family, and my friends...or any other source that I can. And I've tried to be strong, but my illnesses are sapping my strength and stealing my life from me. I simply cannot be who I want to be because I do not have the physical strength. It's been suggested that I see a therapist to help me cope, and hubby even said that He will gladly come with me and participate..anything it takes to make me feel better. But I don't know if I would want Him to come or not, because even talking about the way things are right now makes me cry, and I hate Him seeing me cry. Bad enough I'll end up bursting into tears in front of a total stranger.

I've considered closing this blog. Just because, well...my posts have become pretty depressing, and who wants to constantly read about all of this shit. I'm not going to get better. I've got a long hard road ahead of me, and our marriage and sex life is suffering pretty badly as a result. I know my husband loves me, and I know that He will never leave me, in sickness or in health; and thank God above that I at least have Him. But the kinkiness in our life may be on hiatus for awhile or may cease altogether. I don't know. I hope that it doesn't end up being that way...I really don't....but I can't predict the future or how much worse my health will become.

I am no slave. Not anymore. My health has taken that pleasure away from me. But I am still submissive. In my heart, and in my mind, in the very depths of my soul, I will always be submissive to my husband. I don't need to tell Him this, because He knows it. He's always known it. It's just the way things are between us, how they have always been. That part of our relationship will not change. There is nothing that CAN change it. He's still my dominant prince. He has total authority over me, and will still discipline me for dishonesty or for disobeying him, as much as it pains him to do so. I am expected to do as I am told, without question, and to trust in him to take care of me. I am back to being a submissive wife, and not much more than that. We still have a D/s/domestic discipline thing going on, but that's been about the extent of it, at least until (or if) I start to feel better.

 Maybe I'm just severely depressed right now. Maybe in His eyes I am still everything I was before, and everything I ever have been....still His slave, His property, His slut....maybe in His eyes this is nothing more than a brief respite from more rigorous bdsm activities. After all, I did receive a mysterious package in the mail the other day containing anal lube and a new set of reinforced wrist restraints. It made me smile, and perhaps sent a nervous chill down my spine.

Perhaps not all is lost.

Time will tell.

Please pray for me, friends. I could use the extra strength and encouragement right now.




 

Can Somebody Please Hit "Pause"?

I can't keep up with my life lately. I just can't! Every time I think that things can't possibly get any crazier...well, guess the fuck what? They do. Of course they do. It's Murphy's Law. Or something like that. Don't quote me on it. I'm waaaay to frazzled right now.

There is such an array of things going on right now..I don't even know where to start! I haven't been posting as frequently as I'd like to be because of 1) my chaotic atmosphere right now and 2) the carpal tunnel in both my wrists that has escalated way beyond pain and discomfort and is now officially fucking up my life. Gotta love it. My doctor says that I have to sleep with braces on every night or when I wake up in the morning, not only will my hands be completely numb and useless, but I will continue to be in serious pain. Like I need one more thing hurting me, right? Um..no. I don't. I swear, there are days where I am on the verge of just giving up. I might have already, if it wasn't for the fact that my husband won't allow it.

My 2 weeks notice at my current job is pretty much up, and my last day working for Walgreens is Friday. I almost can't believe it. I mean, seriously, it still seems so, so unreal to me. My worries about my boss being upset were silly, because honestly the man had little to say on the matter and seems to be, for the most part, completely unaffected by my departure. He simply acknowledged it, began planning for it, and moved on. I have to say I am somewhat relieved by his reaction. I didn't want him to care. Him and I have never been friends. And so most of my new hire paper work for the new job has been completed, and I am supposedly starting on Monday, the 21st. The weird thing is that I'm not excited about it, even though it means what I've been yearning for forever..a desk job, off my feet, flexible hours, ect. I have no idea why but I just can't get amped about it.

Then, a few days ago, my mother tripped and fell face first down a small flight of concrete steps in her garage, hurting herself quite badly. I was at work at the time, and got a very alarming phone call on my cell. Store policy dictates that we are not allowed to have our phones on our persons while we are on the floor and working, but I always have mine in my pocket anyhow. (If you couldn't tell, my obedience and submission to authority begins and ends with my husband, lol). Anyways, I knew my mom knew I was at work that day, at that time, and that she wouldn't be trying to call me unless it was something urgent or very important. So when I saw her name pop up on my caller ID as I pulled my phone from my pocket, I ducked down behind a shelf in a somewhat futile effort to hide and I answered. What I heard was not my mother...or at least not the mom I knew. I heard a woman screaming and sobbing in pain, emitting ear splitting agonizing wails. I immediately freaked out. "MOM!?" I asked. I could just barely understand her in her hysterics, but I caught enough to realize that something very bad had happened. Stairs, tripped, fallen, hurt. Okay. That was enough of a synopsis to make sense. That's all she gave me, and then the line went dead. She hung up on me, causing me to panic even more. I stood up and straightened myself to find a couple of waiting customers who were standing there impatiently, giving me dirty looks. I became irritated. In that moment I realized what a wonderful thing it is that I am leaving that job.

The second I could manage to get a break, I called and called her number again and again until I could reach her. I also texted Master to please make an effort to contact her immediately, and if He could get to her before I could, find out what in the Hell was going on.To make a long story short, instead of going to the hospital to be checked out (which was my and Masters' suggestion) she went to a shoddy urgent care clinic just a few minutes from her house, because she was so badly injured she was having a hard time driving. THAT could have been solved. My older brother lives much closer to her than I do, and either He, or one of her friends could have come and taken her to the ER, which is where she should have gone for treatment. She has so many people (friends and family combined) that love and care about her that would gladly have lended a hand, but she's as stubborn as a damn ox and usually refuses to ask anyone for help. Her first instinct, however, was apparently to call me and send me into a complete and total panic; because if she's going to ask anyone for help, it's going to be me and Master. We've always been very dependable and reliable, always there for her when she needs us, even when it compromises our own schedules. We are an old fashioned and very selfless couple who believe in families sticking together and taking care of one another. Truth be told, we've been taking care of both our mothers' for years now; and He ends up taking care of me in my weak health. But I digress...

They checked her out at the clinic and took some x rays. She took a very hard fall, on concrete no less, and caused damage to her right arm and wrist, hip, rib cage and back. She had just fallen when she called me and was in an excruciating amount of pain. The took the x rays but, because she went there, to an urgent care facility with limited capabilities, and NOT the hospital, they didn't have a certified radiologist on hand that day to interpret the films and check for broken bones and other damage. So, they sent her home with a prescription for vicodin and that was that. I came home from work and, exhausted as I was, and with Master's permission, packed a few bags and drove down to her house where I found her in a crumpled heap on the sofa, still crying quietly into a pillow. Her arm and wrist were tightly bandaged, but the fingers and thumb that were poking out were puffy, badly swollen, and totally black and blue. They were swollen into an outright, completely extended position, and it was clear that  she could not bend them. My heart broke seeing her in such agony. I saw her prescription slip sitting on the counter, so I knew right off she never made it to the pharmacy to fill it. I had come prepared for this, bringing some of my pain meds with me.She argued with me, but I sternly forced her to sit up long enough to force a pill down her throat, then let her collapse again. I checked the Rx slip and noted that my pain medicine was twice the strength of the prescription she'd been given. After I got some in her, I wasted no time going back out to the pharmacy, filling the prescription, and picking up the few other things shed asked for. My own pain and fatigue mattered less to me than it ever had before. I ignored it all, caring only about my mother.

That day, and every available day since then that I haven't been forced to work, I have been making the drive down to her house to nurse her and help her in any way I can, and so has Master. The vicodin she was prescribed has done little for the pain, so I've been giving her more of my pain meds, despite the fact that I need them myself. Yesterday the clinic called. Apparently, they were finally able to get a radiologist to properly read her x rays and had the results. A broken arm, several cracked ribs, and a badly bruised hip bone, which, between that and the ribs, is making her back hurt something terrible. She's getting a little better every day, but is still spending most of her time in bed, needing help.  Lots of help.And caring dutiful daughter that I am, I've been trying my best and doing everything I possibly can. Because of the fact that there ARE broken bones, she needs to be taken to see an orthopedic surgeon. We have an appointment made for early Thursday morning which I will be taking her for, as she is in no condition to drive with one good arm, a busted up rib cage and all drugged up. I also have to obtain copies of her x rays from the clinic sometime tomorrow before Thursday's appointment, so I have my hands pretty full.

Then, there is Master and I. We have had this strange kind of distance lingering between us for quite some time now. I don't know how to explain it, but it hasn't been good. Not understanding one another's perspectives, wants, or needs, little to no proactive communication, just...overall badness. It has made me very sad for many months now, which is why there has been such a lack of sex and kink in my postings. Because..well, there hasn't been much sex or kink to talk about or share. Until now. The happy news is that that awful spell seems to be coming to an end. Master and I had a long talk the other night, when we could acquire some alone time, and He explained that the distance and nonchalance hadn't been my fault. That all He could really say was that it had been some kind of weird "phase" that He'd been struggling through..and something that He had to work through on His own. An early mid-life crisis of sorts. I don't know. But during this time, I felt very unwanted, unappreciated, and unloved. He paid almost no attention to me at all, unless it was to give an order or when He wanted a piece, but even sex seemed rare and un-romantic. It was almost as if nothing I did was ever good enough, if I existed at all. He sort of treated me like I was more of a nuisance than anything else...and it hurt. A lot. But I didn't see how there was anything that I could do about it.

Thankfully, like I said, Master seems to be coming out of it on His own. It started the other day, out of nowhere. He lavished me with kissed and took every available second throughout the day to cuddle or nuzzle me. He just seemed..happy and content. Of course this made me smile, but after so long..I didn't really understand where it was coming from. It was then that He looked into my eyes and told me that He loved me, that He was sorry, and that things were going to be different from now on. Very, very, different. He said that even though He'd made me feel bad for awhile, there is no other woman in the entire world that will ever capture His attention for even a nanosecond. No other woman like me. No other woman that could make Him feel like I do. That could do the things that I do. I'm "it" for Him. He could never want or ask for more, but for some stupid reason, it just took Him awhile to realize that. It was genuine, it was sincere, and it gave me a piece of happiness back that I thought I had lost.

Since that moment, we've been all over one another. We had another serious talk in which He made it clear that I'm not to forget who I belong to. That I'm still owned. That I'll always be owned. By Him. He reaffirmed, in various ways, that I am still His slave, only now, a much more willing and loving slave. Instead of feeling like some kind of cast-off, I now truly feel like a cherished possession. Because He's treating me like one. He's spoiled me with treats, and the loving is non-stop and almost more than I can keep up with. Interestingly, so are His demands on my submission. The kink is more than back in this household. ;)

I'm even going to be collared. He made the decision the other day, while He was ordering a bunch of nasty new toys online, that I will be permanently collared. This shocked me, because I have always been an uncollared sub/slave. Yes, I have what I like to call my "training collar" that He made for me and sometimes makes me wear, but this is different. I'm getting a forever "permanent" collar. One that locks and that I cannot remove myself..one that only He possesses the key to. He said, with an evil grin, that He thinks I am finally ready to be collared, and so it shall be...what better way to embrace my submission, right? He's not exactly sure what type of locking collar I will have yet, but He agrees that it will be thin and rather discreet..yet by no means un-noticable. Lol. He really likes the "wraith" band style, which looks much like a steel cord that wraps the neck like a choker and locks at the back of the neck.

Like these ones from wyredslave. But, since He doesn't want to cause any irritation to my neck, He's thinking about getting a coated one, like this...

The other two options He's strongly considering are the flat allen wrench collar....

And the collar with the rings in the back to allow for a mini padlock (so cute and my personal fave, but He doesn't care which is my favorite lol)

They call this last one the Bluebell (Can I have it Daddy? Pretty pretty please?)


Anyway, my forever collar will look like one of those, and it will be His choice and His alone. I have no say in it, as much as I wish He'd let me vote...I don't think my vote would count for much. He's thrown me straight back into submission/slave training with no warning whatsoever, but I absolutely love it. I can't say that I don't. He's loving, but strict...back to his old self..and this is the man I've been missing...the man I married. I am happy. I am cared for. I am loved, and I am owned. There has been a LOT of sex this last week, and cock worship, and mmmm well..all kinds of fun things, and more to come?

I'm so excited!  (Isn't it strange? I'm excited about becoming a real slave again, and not just a submissive wife, but I'm not excited about a new job? Lol. I'm so weird)

I have to go. It's late. Will post again soon...as I have a feeling I will actually have deliciously kinky things to post about :)

Rd

Decisions Decisions....

Just thought I'd post an update. I made a decision last night. I called my soon-to-be new boss back and accepted the job offer, despite the teensy bit of uneasyness still settling in my gut. So, I have drafted a letter of resignation today, which I will be signing and giving to my current boss at Walgreens tomorrow when I show up at work at 8am. I am so incredibly nervous about doing that. In fact, I can't even imagine myself doing it at all. I've been with the company for 4.5 years now and I don't think he sees me quitting coming..not in the least. I have given him no inkling, not even a clue, that I've been unhappy with my job for a very long time now. I've put a smile on and silently kept it buried deep down inside. I'm very good at faking. I can only imagine the look on his face tomorrow morning as I shakily hand him the letter.

But, I've made a decision. I'm still trying to process this myself, after what seems like the longest four years of my life, this all seems so surreal and dreamlike, but it is time for me to move on and set myself free. It's just that..I don't know...maybe I didn't REALLY think that I would do it. Quit Walgreens, that is. As much as I detest that place, you kind of just get used to the same, monotonous (yet awkwardly comfortable and stable) routine after so long, and I think that's what happened with me.

And, although I have determined that, overall, this is a good thing and probably the right decision on my part, I can't yet believe that it's really happening, and that I AM really doing it! I'm in total shock. In a way I'm sad, because I've forged a lot of close friendships with some of my co-workers, whom, obviously, I won't be seeing too much of anymore. Instead, I will be in a brand new place, strange and unfamiliar, where I know absolutely no one. But I cannot complain about that because this was my decision and no one else's.My reasons are solid ones though. I need to do what is best for my health. That is first and foremost. The new job allows me to sit down, at least for part of my shift, whereas Walgreens requires me to be on my feet for 8 hours, killing my back. Secondly, although the new job pays lightly less, I will actually be making double what I do at Walgreens because of the swap from part time to full time hours. Master likes that. He will appreciate the extra income, which will make us a little more comfortable money wise. Extra little perks include being allowed to dress casually and wear whatever I want, even pajamas, and an afternoon/evening schedule to match Master's. No more early 6am wake ups...which is DEFINITELY a plus for me because I am NOT a morning person and I have always hated having to wake that early on work mornings. Now, I will be able to sleep in with Master, which is simply fantastic. No more tip toeing around trying desperately not to wake the poor man who was up driving a truck around most of the night. I won't have to be to work until 2pm now, as compared to 8am, and the drive to work is approximately 10 minutes. Not bad. I get off at 9pm (only seven hours a day, Monday through Friday, not bad at all!) Since the drive is so short, I should be home before 9:30 so that I can wind down, relax, and watch some tv or whatever before bed. Now that I'll be working nights, I'll be able to stay up a little later maybe, with hubby's permission of course. He's big on making sure I'm getting enough rest.

I've never had a full time job before, so obviously this will be somewhat of an adjustment for me, but since I'm a night owl anyhow, nights will be easier for me than mornings, and..another perk! I get the entire weekend off with Master! No more working on Sundays! OR holidays! Ohmygosh!

Really, after thinking about it, the benefits of taking this new position outweigh the couple of negatives that I could think of. I'm still uneasy about it because I read a lot of customer complaints online about this new company that Master found and pointed out to me, and, me being an honest, humble, and good hearted woman, I definitely do not want to work for a shady company who is scamming or ripping people off. If I find out that this is the case, and the rumors are true, than I will dedicate myself to job searching once again and will not be employed with them for long. As Conina mentioned in her comment on my last post, my mornings will be open and available for more interviews if I decide that I do not want to stay employed by the resort.

Anyhow, my letter of resignation to my boss explains that the reasons for my departure have almost everything to do with the state of my health and the physical demands of the job that I am no longer able to adequately meet, and nothing about it is personal in nature. (That part is kind of a lie, because, in reality, he IS kind of an ass). The letter also says that I am willing to give a whole two weeks notice before I leave, which is only polite and in good taste. Those 14 days start tomorrow, though. I need to get my new hire paperwork completed and settled into my new job as soon as possible. My estimated start date with Outdoor Adventures is Monday, May 21st..and my LAST day working for Walgreens Friday, May 18th.

It's getting late, so I'd better go to bed, or at least start preparing to..I've got a nerve wracking day ahead of me tomorrow! Wish me lots of luck everybody! I may need it!

Rd

Dead? Alive? Hanging somewhere in Between?

I'm sorry everyone. It seems I've all but forgotten the fact that I even HAVE a blog lately, let alone the fact that I am a submissive/slave to my husband. A lot of things have gotten in the way of that lately. Mostly stress, if I'm being truthful. I have had a MILLION things on my mind lately, and have had several job interviews since my last post. My head has been spinning with everything going on around here lately...and thus..not much (okay, NO) time for the blog. I am very sorry. It seems I don't handle stress all that well after all. It makes me feel horribly uneasy, it keeps me up at night, AND worst of all, it wreaks havoc on my pre-existing health issues like my fibro. BUT, with so much going on, who has time to dwell on the fact that their body hurts every second of every hour of every day? Not me, I guess. My doctor, who is very knowledgeable and has almost 40 yrs experience in dealing with these kinds of illnesses, is sort of strict and straight forward with me about the whole thing. He says I'm just going to have to manage and overcome the daily pain, because, haunting as it may sound, it's true, fibro will likely be here to hurt me for the rest of my life. It doesn't usually go away. We talked about it, and in *His* professional opinion, it's much better for me to be active, as in working as many hours as possible, and getting physical exercise, than it is for me to be doing what I've been doing for a long time..sitting around, crying, being depressed, and feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Being busy will keep me distracted, He says, which is good. It will not allow me much time to dwell on the pain, ever-present fatigue, and general *sick* feeling that fibro causes. Basically, His best advice is to make sure I'm taking my meds when I'm supposed to be, but otherwise, to ignore all of the badness as best I possibly can.

And so, per his recommendations on "keeping busy", I have been applying for full time jobs. Master thinks it's great, not only because I am trying to rise above and be strong, and because I'm listening to my doc (for once), but because we could always use the extra income of me having a full time job and not just a part time one. Things wouldn't be so tight. There are pros and cons I guess. Because the keeping busy thing is a double edged sword. It helps distract me, but as a fibro patient, stress is one of my worst enemies. If I let it get to me and sink it's teeth into me, it can trigger a flare up in my body which in turn leads to very painful episodes of me curling up into a fetal position and pretty much wanting to die. It CAN be that bad, and has been before...the trick is learning how to effectively "deal" with my stress levels just as I do my illness. Stress is bad, if I let it get out of hand. If I learn how to process it and overcome it, then things will be much better for me, and hopefully I won't have as many (or none) of those terrible episodes. I guess we will see.

 Master is still struggling to adjust to HIS new work schedule (which has thrown us all for a loop) but overall He is doing well. It's just kinda crazy having Him get home at 4am in the morning and then having to leave again for work around 3:30 in the afternoon or so...(His actual shift is 5pm to 3am, but we're accounting for drive time too, about an hour each way). The first week or so He woke me up as He crawled into bed, but now it's gotten a lot better. What's harder to deal with is me having to get up at 6am on a work morning and tip toe around as silently as possible while He sleeps. Or, on my days off, I'll sleep in with Him a little, but I still end up getting up around 8 or 9am and have to leave the bedroom and find something to occupy myself so that He isn't disturbed. We live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment right now, so there's not a lot of space and this can be difficult, especially because His mother is living with us and she is usually sleeping in her room and not wanting to be disturbed. So, I literally have to slink off into a corner and be a good quiet lil girl for I don't know how many hours, till everyone else is awake too, and not just me. It kinda sucks. There is a tiny spare room with a table, loveseat, and small tv, and that's where I've been going, curling up on the loveseat (which is plush and not too uncomfortable, really) and I quietly read the e-books that I have on my phone or play the addicting little games I also have on my phone, none of which makes any noise or disturbs anyone. I do this until Master wakes, which can be anywhere from 10am to noon. Then, He sleepily climbs out of bed and knows where to find me.

There hasn't been too much going on with the D/s side of our relationship lately, so I still don't have much to share. I wish I did, but I don't. Real life gets in the way sometimes, and such is the case with us right now. The stress level around here got to us last week, and we had a huge fight. And I do mean huge. So bad I almost left for awhile, just because I couldn't handle it. But things have a way of working themselves out. We talked and sorted through the majority of our issues, most of which resulted from a serious lack of communication. We recognized that afterwards and are now (keeping BOTH of our faults in mind) working toward a better and stronger marriage. We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary, neither one of us want to lose the other..now, or EVER. It was hard for me because He made me face my own faults and weaknesses. Told me that, in certain ways, I'd been selfish and only concerned with myself and my own thoughts and needs. Pride and vanity also came up during that discussion, along with my not submitting properly or listening to Him when He talks to me or gives me instructions. Most of what He laid on the table and rubbed my nose in was true, and He humbled me by making me see that and forcing me to accept accountability for my mistakes. He didn't blame it all on me, saying that a small portion of the blow out and what had gone down had been His fault as well, for not handling the situation the way He could have and should have. Nevertheless, when all was said and done, He felt that it was my attitude, more so than my mistakes and faults, that deserved some correction in order to avoid further issues. He told me He felt He should discipline me for my behavior, and asked me if I thought that was fair. I grudgingly nodded my head yes; so He test drove His new bamboo cane on my bared bottom, striking at my tender sit spots until I broke down and cried. It didn't take long. I got a dozen whacks, maybe even less. All I'm going to say is that thing HURTS. The sting and burn it leaves is incredible. As usual, I could not sit still or behave during my punishment; but He understood that this was partly due to the fact that it had been awhile since I'd been punished, in the corporal way. He kinda has to be careful, with His mom back home now. :(

He's still very Dominant, and me submissive, though I did kinda fall hard last week when I nearly lost my head and walked away from Him. But since then, and my caning, things have been better. Not a whole lot of bondage stuff going on, (okay, none) but my attitude is more in check and less out of control. I have a tendency to be very emotionally unstable. I think maybe I needed Him to punish me a little. Reinforce His dominance over me, while taking the time to understand why I snapped and how I felt at the time, which is exactly what He did, making everything okay again.

He even told me He was proud of me for accepting my portion of the responsibility and for submitting to Him and the punishment He felt was just. He took me out to dinner that night, lavishing me with attention, and then this week treated me again with $100 worth of new clothes, because He could see that my wardrobe was becoming a little thin and ragged, and with all these interviews, it would be nice for me to have something nice and new to wear to them .  :)

I'm struggling though. I have an actual job offer on the table right now, but am unsure if I ought to take it. It's not in my field, and I would not be working as a paralegal, so it is really not what I am looking for long term. I applied as a back up plan, and wouldn't you know it, they are the ones who offer me a position. The job is with a vacation/resort place very close to where we live, it's only about a ten minute drive, which is one plus. Another plus (a bigger plus) is that I would be working in the offices as an administrative assistant, doing mostly data entry and processing work, filing, maybe taking a few phone calls, that sort of thing...a DESK job, where I'd be allowed to SIT DOWN and be off my feet. That's a huge plus.The woman who would be my boss is a very nice woman and told me there's no need to be fancy, and that I can dress casually, jeans and a tee shirt or even pajamas for all she cares! She said no one except her would really see me in the back offices, so casual dress is fine - which is awesome. (Soooo sick of wearing heels, dress pants and fancy blouses to my legal interviews). She's offering full time hours, and an evening shift to match my husbands' schedule (2pm to 9pm Mon through Fri) with weekends off. Everything seems perfect, right? At least as an interim job. But then I did some research online and found out some details about their business practices and the way they run the place, and none of it was good. All things my would-be boss didn't mention..message boards full of customer and client complaints about how badly they got ripped off by the place. And now I'm uneasy wondering whether I should make the call and take the job. The one down side is that the pay she was offering wasn't all that great (less than I make now working for walgreens), but the full time hours would make up for that, and the end result would be me making more per week than I am now.

But I don't want to work for a shady company that prides themselves on ripping people off. I've dwelled on these Moral and ethical concerns, and talked them over with Master and even my mom. Master initially said I should probably pass it up, but has since changed His mind on the matter. He said I should accept, but that the decision is ultimately in my hands, so the choice is mine. My mom said that I can't always worry myself over the unethical behavior of others and that yes, it's a job offer and I should take it because the pros outweigh the cons. Her standpoint is that since I personally wouldn't be doing anything morally or ethically objectionable, I shouldn't concern myself over it. Still..I feel funny and still very unsure...but I can't put this off for much longer, she's waiting on my call...

Anybody got any suggestions or input? It would be much appreciated.  : /

Rd    

Fibro Funk And Other Junk

First of all, I must apologize to all my readers for the complete and total lack of hot, kinky, sexy, or even remotely interesting posts lately. It's just that there hasn't been anything hot steamy or sexy going on to share. Yeah, I know. That's bad. So bad. I haven't even been spanked in..hell, I can't remember the last time. But anyhow.

I'm not sure why things have been so..blah. Probably because His mom is back home now, living with us again in a very small space, and well...yeah. You know how that goes. Not a whole lot of room for kink. Our privacy is gone. Out the window, bu-bye. :(  I am already missing it so...

This has just been sucking balls. Leave it to me to speak the truth.

Also, He got a new gig at work that allows Him to be home every day...BUT...He has to start out working third shifts for we aren't sure how long. So, that means, for now, His daily (or I should say nightly) shift is 5pm to 3am in the morning. He has to leave by 3:30 in the afternoon, and gets back home, creeping into the house, at around 4am. It's been a huge adjustment for both of us. Obviously more so for Him than I, because He's the one who has to adjust to being up all night, but despite His best efforts at not disturbing me when He comes in and crawls into bed, I'm usually woken up. Not His fault. I'm a light sleeper and there's no getting around that.

There are definite pluses though. More money, the possibility of a promotion to day shift, and having Him home each and every day, and not just on the weekends. We do get to spend a little more time together now. He goes to bed at 4am and sleeps till around 10am, and I just have to be careful not to wake Him when I get up or have to leave for work on my work days. It's been weird, but we've been managing. On my off days, we get from 10am to about 3:30pm together, which has been nice. Tuesdays and Fridays are the only days we don't get to see each other at all, due to conflicts in our work schedules. Still, our privacy that we had before, with MIL away in rehabilitation, is long gone :(

I never did get a call back from my last interview, and yes, I'm still irked about it, but I've moved on. After my initial anger came even harder and more intense determination on my part. I've been scouring the web for job postings in my field in this area, emailing prospective employers, and sending out my resume right and left. Apparently, hard work and determination DOES pay off, because I landed another interview this morning. It will be on Monday morning, with a big firm that I can't even believe called me...so I will have until then to prepare myself. I need to be confident, and I need to believe in myself...but those are things I have trouble doing. My self-esteem has been pretty low lately, but, as Master reminded me earlier, if I don't believe that I can do the job, then they won't, either. It's all about attitude and how I present myself.

I've been working on my "presentation" skills. Sigh. Despite my nerves I am happy that I'm getting a second  chance somewhere else.And, I got a second call this afternoon from a second firm that may be interested in interviewing me, but nothing has been officially set up yet..so that one's still on the back burner. Still, two calls in one day..not bad, eh? Much better than  I expected, for sure. I didn't expect anyone to take interest in me or call me at all. That's the crappy attitude Master says I need to get rid of.

Truth of the matter is, I just haven't been feeling well lately. It's true, I never feel all that great; but it's been really, really, bad lately. Migraine like headaches, lightening bolt like pain coursing through my body so severe that it's left me curled up into a ball sobbing on our bed. Master made me call Dr. Silverman, who is my new rheumatologist. He got me in for an appointment ASAP. After examining me for maybe the third time in the last few months, He looked at me and Master and again told us that I am suffering from fibromyalgia, and that there is no cure for the condition, only proactive approaches to treatment. Every time He touched me I jumped, tears welling in my eyes. I told Him it hurts everywhere, and that my headache is so awful it was blurring my vision and making me sick. He nodded soberly, while explaining that, for some unfortunate individuals, fibro can be so severe and so utterly painful that it becomes completely disabling, reducing a person's quality of life to total miserable mush. The headaches, the unbearable back pain, the nausea and vomiting, hurting all over to the point of tears, the crushing fatigue and exhaustion,..it's all because of this fibromyalgia. He told us that, for me, it is going to be a lifelong and very serious illness that is going to require a comprehensive treatment plan. It is a common disease, especially in women, but most people only suffer from mild to moderate symptoms that can be easily managed.

I am not a patient who is going to be easily managed, Dr. S said. Fibro has me by the throat and is slowly choking the life out of me. The pain is so severe and all consuming I can hardly move at times. I just can't handle it. I've become seriously depressed and cry way more than I should. So the Dr increased one of my meds, the medication that is supposed to "turn down the volume" on my nerves; and therefore (hopefully) some of my pain. He has me on 1,200mgs of the stuff a day now (because 900mgs was not helping enough), which kinda scares me, but doctor's orders are doctor's orders. Worse, since the increase in my dose, I've been feeling mentally confused and unable to remember things, even what day of the week it is. It's kind of a freaky feeling, and I'm sort of worried about me possibly being hired into a new job in this condition, but Dr. S says that I should do anything I can to distract myself from how much I hurt, as in keep myself busy, if possible, and try not to dwell on it. Avoid crying and feeling sorry for myself, even if the pain is really bad and I'm having an awful day. He says I need to find ways to overcome it and take my life back. He can help by managing my meds, but he also suggested meditation, Tai-Chi, and Yoga as mild exercise and stress relief techniques, which he stressed as being crucial. I'm supposed to keep my stress level under control, but am vying for a high pressure position in a very high stress industry. Is this going to work? Hell if I know. But I have been trying to distract myself as much as possible, per his instructions.

He also said that I need to educate myself as much as possible about my condition and suggested that we find me a good psychiatrist. I shot Him a nasty look at that last part, but he gently explained that what I'm going through is tough, that it's already effected my emotional stability, and that since this is going to be a long and painful battle I'm probably going to need all the help and support I can get, including therapy. When the appointment ended, he had a lab tech take some blood (this is pretty much standard, every time I see Him) to make sure my blood count and levels of this and that are looking okay, and sent me to the radiology department, where they took extensive x rays of my entire body, head to toe. Since fibro effects certain parts of the body more than others, several shots each were taken of my neck, hips, pelvis, and entire spine. The x ray tech was kind and compassionate and talked to me throughout the entire 45 minutes I was forced to lay practically naked on a cold hard table. She kept my mind away from the bad, ugly reality of what is happening inside of my body and drilled positive thoughts into my head, even making helpful suggestions on fibro-friendly stretches and light exercises.

But again, my illness has had a huge impact on not only me, but Master as well. It's hard on Him. He's witnessed my suffering for a long time now, and just doesn't know what to do. Sometimes it's so bad I can't even tolerate His touch, however gentle, because everything, every little touch or caress, causes me pain. It's ridiculous, and has definitely caused some issues within our relationship. I feel so guilty, because I see what my health is doing to Him. How it's stressing Him, upsetting Him, getting Him down. And there isn't much I can do about it.

I don't even want to read about this horrible thing that I have. It's already taken so much from me, it makes me angry and depressed. All I know is that fibro is a complex disorder involving the nerves, nerve pathways in the brain and spine, and central nervous system. I guess the volume on your nerves is "turned up" high, much too high, so that every little thing ends up hurting enormously, even a gentle squeeze. You ache all over, and whether your having a good day or a bad day, the pain is always there, to some extent. It never goes away. Add to that my arthritis (spine and joints) and the recent discovery that I've developed carpal tunnel in BOTH wrists (Oh yes, another reason I'm not typing much) and I'm just one miserable little girl.

So, as you can see...there are a lot of reasons why kink has been kind of extinct around here lately :( We had our five year wedding anniversary on the 15th, and it just sucks that things can't be a little better than they are.

I'm falling apart....and what's a Master to do with a sick slave?  :(

Lawyers Are The Biggest ASSHOLES...

It's true. And I just had to say it. And put the word "asshole" in all caps.

My last post, and all that excitement about that fantastic interview I had at that big firm? Well, forget about it. I am now strongly assuming that I did not, in fact, land that position; despite all of my interviewer's praise, and his comment that my resume was going on the top of his stack.

My resume did not go on the top of his stack. I'm not sure what he did with it, but it didn't go there.It's probably crumpled in his waste basket along with several others. Why he would lavish me with false praise though, when he wasn't truly and honestly impressed with me whatsoever, is a mystery to me.

He told me he would call me on Thursday or Friday, at the latest, to inform me of his decision, whether I had gotten the position or not; either way, he promised he would let me know. Because that is the polite and professional thing to do. So I waited. Thursday passed without a phone call, and I anxiously waited all day long on Friday at work, but again, no one called. My spirits fell, and my hopes sank. I tried to keep my head up. Sure, he said he'd call; but he also mentioned something about a business trip and having to leave town for 3 or 4 days..so..maybe he postponed the hiring of his new employee and would be calling me on Monday or Tuesday.

He didn't call on Monday, or Tuesday. At this point, I got out my laptop in frustration and composed a polite email, inquiring about my "status" with the firm, since I had not received a phone call or any other correspondence letting me know what in the hell was going on. I didn't swear, or use those exact words, but it was close. I was very sweet overall. I thanked them for the opportunity to interview with them and their firm, but said that I would appreciate a reply to my email and some sort of status update before moving on to other interviews and/or opportunities. Really, I was about as professional as I could be, even though I was gritting my teeth in aggravation with every word I typed.

Can you guess what comes next? He didn't reply to my email. I got NOTHING in response. The fucking nerve. I was just completely disappointed and appalled. There are no other words for it. I was raised to be polite and respectful and to NEVER be rude or discourteous to anyone, for any reason, unless they are pretty much attacking or assaulting me. But, for whatever reason, this is exactly how I have been treated by every attorney and law firm I have taken the time to interview with. Total disregard, as if I'd never even walked in the door or interviewed with them. I am absolutely disgusted by the poor manners. I have more professionalism in my damn left foot then they do in their entire bodies, however, for reasons that are miles beyond my comprehension, I am unfit and unqualified to work for them.

I am a very bright and intelligent young woman. I went to college and graduated in the top of my class with mostly straight A's. I'm a great people person, have experience in dealing with clients, and my administrative and clerical capabilities are pretty damn good. And yet, I suffer rejection after rejection and am left wondering what I did wrong. Where did they find fault with me? Why can't any of them see my potential? I am beginning to think that I got into the wrong field. Because I do not want to work for people who don't even have the respect or common courtesy to return an email or a phone call.

I mean, really. I can bet anything that I won't hear back from this particular lawyer..but, if he WERE to call me, I would say "You, sir, are an ASSHOLE" and hang up. My mother would tell me I am better than that. Maybe so. But not when I am pissed the fuck off. I am sick and tired of playing games with conceited bone heads. It is a waste of my time. And it's funny because this guy was so nice and so friendly in person, and I can distinctly remember him saying "No one likes an asshole". At the time, I had thought I had actually found a worthwhile attorney.....guess not. Hypocrite. He's no better than any of the other fatheads.

I'm not conceited or overly into tooting my own horn. Really. I'm not. I can accept not getting the job, and losing out to someone else. It happens to everyone. It's a competitive world, and there's always going to be someone more qualified, and with more experience, blah de blah de blah. For all I know, the jerk wanted someone prettier who he could drool over all day. There could be a million reasons why he didn't choose me. But to not have the common courtesy to make a phone call or send an email...to leave people hanging anxiously waiting to hear from you...that's just being a dick. And I hope he gets it right back, I hope all of them get treated the same way by somebody, so that they can know how shitty it feels to be thrown out and discarded like a piece of garbage.

Cuz that's how he made me feel. Like a piece of trash, unworthy of even a phone call. I don't care how fucking busy he is, it's a PHONE CALL for Christ's sake!  I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it's hard. Master assured me that I am anything BUT a useless piece of garbage, and fuck whats-his-name. It's totally his loss, he just doesn't know it yet. Nevertheless, my confidence and self-esteem were crushed into a pancake. I spent a few days moping, indulging in self-pity and a massive junk food binge until Master made an attempt at pulling me out of it. He pulled me out of bed, got me dressed, and even took me out to the movies, something we haven't done together in God only knows how long (Thanks Conina..wink). I did have a LOT of fun that day, and my funk started to dissipate, but, truth be told..I'm still feeling down.

I guess I just don't take rejection well. I'm sensitive, and always end up taking it out on myself; assuming that I must have done something wrong. Regardless, life goes on; so I have started sending out more resumes again, and not just to stinking law firms. I'm versatile, open minded, and willing to take a job NOT in the legal field, especially after how I've been treated by most of the lawyers I've had the displeasure of meeting. I just need to ditch my current job, the one I've held for almost five years due to no one else wanting me. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. The long hours on my feet and the horrible pain that causes me, my boss being ever the more Hitler-esque lately; not caring about me or my medical needs..all of it. It's become my own little hell on earth; and I will seriously take the first full time job offer I get, as long as it is primarily a desk job and gets me off my feet. My boss has been so mean Master actually called the company's corporate offices/human resources and filed an official complaint against him on my behalf! Lol.

I don't know if anything will happen. Probably not. The only bit of good news right now is that Master is getting a promotion (or what I consider a promotion). He filled in for a guy on vacation a few weeks ago, and it was a job where He was able to come home every night, and not just on Saturday and Sunday over the weekend. It was only for a couple of weeks, and then the guy came back from vacation; but He got a call from them the other day, and they told Him they would like to have Him on full-time, and not just as a fill-in as needed. :) That means that once the transfer and paperwork is complete, I will get to have Master home with me EVERY night, which is awesome. At least one of us caught a break job wise. But, at least for now, it wasn't me :( I'll just have to keep sending out my resume and keep my fingers crossed that maybe the next opportunity will be an even better one..with people who aren't rude assholes and who actually want me and value me for who I am and what I can give them and contribute to their company.  

Also, my MIL is coming home tomorrow, after being gone for 6 months. I'm not necessarily happy about this, because my life is always more stressful when she's around, and my doctor says I am supposed to be minimizing my stress level. Yeah, right. I have a feeling that isn't going to happen. Sigh. Master has talked to us both, and we are supposed to make a valid effort at getting along with one another this time; which I am fine with, as long as I am not treated like a nurse, a maid, or a personal chauffeur. I have enough problems of my own to worry about, and I am done catering to her needs. I have to take care of me.

She is supposed to be rehabilitated enough to take care of herself now, but I have SERIOUS doubts and worries. I guess we shall see...

That's all I got for now...

Rd

Sometimes Submission Sucks....

Submission is a choice. A choice I made freely and willingly. I do recall when we began living this way, and I was not forced. If anything, I begged for it. I needed it. I craved it. All He did was grant my requests and fulfill my desires. A natural dominant isn't going to argue with you when you ask Him to lead you. He's going to make you His.
 Normally, I want to submit. I feel like I am where I belong when I submit, when I obey..when I allow Him to take the wheel and drive..and I'm just..His. His property, His possession, His treasure, His (whatever the fuck He says I am). I am comfortable in that place. To me, it feels much like a soft feather pillow. A giant fluffy place  that I can just fall into and not have to worry about a thing, because I know I am safe, I know I am protected, and I know I am looked after and cherished. Because I am owned. And my owner takes excellent care of me. The reason is simple. It is because He loves me.
Normally, there is no cause or reason for me to worry or fret when I fall back into that soft place of submission. Even if I don't necessarily agree with some of His decisions, I do not and will not question His wisdom, because I trust that He always has my very best interests at heart. I have found this always to be true, even when we disagree. And this..this is why I trust Him so. Because had I gone my own way, and done my own thing on several different occasions, my actions would have resulted in me getting hurt. Master has the uncanny ability to foresee those kinds of things, whereas I tend to be more spontaneous and impulsive, not always thinking my actions through completely before executing them. Not considering the consequences or repercussions. I live in the moment..He thinks things through and considers all possible outcomes, both good and bad. This is just one of the many differences between us, but also, as I said, why I trust in Him. He has a logical analytical brain. I have a "do whatever you feel like doing now, and deal with whatever happens later" kind of brain, which is what drives Him crazy and why He so often must stop me in my tracks before I do something impulsive and silly.
I think that this was also the case with the medication issue I just went through. Master kept telling me that what I was doing (smoking marijuana while taking the medication) was probably not a good idea. I did it anyways. Why He didn't stop me sooner than He did, I'll never know. Perhaps He wanted me to learn on my own just how dangerous playing games like that can really be. He did, of course, make me stop smoking after speaking to my doctor about the potentially lethal cocktail I had been mixing for myself for weeks. I also immediately stopped the medication, but by that time He was already extremely upset, telling me repetitively that He had known all along that something bad was going to happen, and why do I never listen to Him? Neither of us had known how much danger I had actually been in, and I think the truth alarmed Him, even more than it had alarmed me.
Regardless, the end result was me being forbidden to smoke any more pot. Period. And yes, I will be drug tested. He made Himself pretty clear regarding the consequences of a failed drug test. I won't go into detail, but they would be severe. He made me flush all I had anyways, but I usually go visit my mom about once a week, or at least once every other week, and she smokes. He's not always there to supervise and keep an eye on me, so He knows I could very well sneak some behind His back. Yeah, I could..if I knew I wouldn't be tested. But I will be, and I know that. So I'm not stupid enough to do it.
A GOOD slave would exercise restraint simply because she has received a direct order, and must obey her Master. Me? I'm refraining mostly because I know I will be tested, and only secondly due to a desire to obey my owner. I'm ashamed to admit, that's the truth. I wish I could put those in reverse order. It's been 2 to 3 weeks since I quit the green stuff, and although I miss it and crave it with a horrible intensity, I have managed several visits to my mother's house (where she and other people, friends of hers, sat there and smoked right in front of me) without slipping..because..of course..I cannot slip. There are just no "ifs" "ands" or "buts" about it. I have to stay clean. But let me tell you, this has been a giant struggle for me internally, because the temptation has been simply enormous. No joke. I want it so badly...and yet I know I cannot have it, under any circumstances. It has been taken from me, and I have no other choice but to accept that and move on. This is why, for me, and at least for the moment, submission is sucking.
I want to make something perfectly clear. I am not a drug addict. The only (and I do mean ONLY) reason I want to smoke marijuana is because it eases the constant pain that ravages my body. It affords me some relief from the agony, at least for a short while, and I don't get that kind of relief from any of my other medications my different physicians have put me on. I just don't. And I'm currently on a nerve medication, a muscle relaxant, and a strong daily dose of the controlled narcotic known as Vicodin. (A normal patient may take a couple of 7.5mg vicodin a day, I take 40-45mgs every day..and no, I am not kidding.)
So, submission is a bitch right now. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to obey, and make Him proud and happy, but I also want to not be in pain; and sometimes my brain considers pain a tad more urgent and important than submission and obedience. I know that pain relief is right there and within my reach..only it ISN'T anymore, and that gets me to thinking. In particular, that Master is being cruel.  If He knows that it helps me, why would He take it away and watch me suffer? The only answer to that I can come up with is that I'm being punished. I broke the rules, I lied to Him, and I hid things from Him. I broke His trust in me. When I asked Him how He could be so cruel, He responded by saying how could He possibly allow me to continue when I had disrespected and disobeyed every rule and guideline He had laid down about it? I was to get His permission before bringing any into the house...I didn't. He was to know where it was...He didn't. I could go on. He definitely had a point. He said that if someone doesn't play a game by the rules, or cheats their way through it, you don't allow them to play anymore, do you? You disqualify them and bench their ass. "No" I answered grudgingly. "There you have it" He replied. And that was the end of THAT conversation. "Your on probation with me..indefinitely" He said. "Or at least until such a time I feel I can trust you again".
So, it's been really, REALLY tough. I've never hurt so bad in my life. I finally gave in and called Dr. S today. He called me back and I told Him that the pain is intolerable, even WITH my meds, and that it's making me cry. I told Him how miserable I am and begged Him to help me. On top of everything else, I've been having pain, numbness, and tingling in my hands and wrists accompanied by throbbing and searing sensations that shoot up into my palms and fingers. He told me to start adding 600mgs of ibuprofen to my regimen 3 times a day until I see Him again in a  couple of weeks, at which time He will examine me and do some x rays to try and figure out what's wrong. He said I am already taking way too much vicodin and refuses to let me increase my dose any more than it already is, and said that adding a second narcotic is out of the question. He's thinking about increasing the dosage on my nerve medication, but at the same time isn't sure that would even make a difference. He said that because of my history of freaking out on anti-depressants, we are going to stay away from those as well. The only option left was some sort of anti-inflammatory or NSAID medication, which He believes may help - thus the ibuprofen. At least I have a whole bottle of the stuff in my cupboard. He believes I am ailed by fibromyalgia, arthritis in several different bones and joints, including my spine, and now possibly carpal tunnel syndrome. It's a lot to have to deal with, but He instructed me to "stay positive at all costs, don't cry, and do not let the pain defeat me". Huh. Easy for Him to say. He told me to hang in there and that we would figure something out at my next appointment. I can't help but continue to be a little discouraged.
On another note, I actually had a job interview yesterday! And for a full time position, in my field! My entire family is totally geeked and keeping their fingers crossed for me. The whole thing fell into place perfectly. Almost too perfectly. And I totally wasn't expecting it. I saw an ad, a job posting, while I was browsing online Tuesday morning before work. I decided to take a chance and emailed the law firm my new, updated resume, which I had been ambitious enough to type up on Monday while I was sitting around the house. Anyways, I went to work, not expecting too much..but by one pm, while I was on my lunch break, I noticed that I had a voicemail on my cell phone. I played it, and low and behold, it was an attorney at the law firm asking if I'd like to come in for an interview Wednesday, the following day. I returned the call immediately and set up the interview, all jitters. I got up early Wednesday morning, dressed up in proper office attire, did my hair, make-up, and nails, grabbed my folder containing my resume, references, and directions to their office, and off I went. Not only did I arrive on time, I was actually a half hour early. I won't lie - I haven't had an interview with a firm in a long time, and I was pretty nervous..but I think I pulled it off pretty well. I was happy, confident, and self-assured, and left with a very good feeling. I was told by the head attorney that He was impressed with my resume, and that in his opinion, I was a good match for the position and pretty much what they have been looking for. He said He would be calling me by Friday (tomorrow) afternoon to let me know whether or not I was selected for the job over the other candidates; so here I sit, waiting anxiously on pins and needles. I've got my fingers AND toes crossed. I really, really, want this job. The pay would be great (far better than what my current job is giving me), and I'd even get monthly bonuses.  I think the hardest part for me would be adjusting to a full time work schedule and learning the firm's specialty..bankruptcy. I don't know much about bankruptcy law, except that it can be tricky..but I am totally up to this challenge. (btw, I went to college to be a paralegal, which is why I apply with law firms). Anyway, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because despite the fact that the initial interview went well, I've been rejected and turned down many times before with other firms, supposedly due to my lack of experience. Regardless, I will be sorely disappointed if I don't get this job...

I will write a quick post when I find out and get the phone call, just to let everyone know..but for now I should go. I hurt, and it's a work night, and all this typing is killing my wrists! Arrrghhh.

Night Everybody, Masters and slaves alike...

Rd