Sunday, February 28, 2016

Back From the Undead...Maybe

Hi there everybody! Wow, holy shit! It's me, Sara! Yes, im still alive, and it's been a long, LONG time since I've written here. 2 years actually since I posted my departure and put my blog into retirement, TWO YEARS! I just thought about it tonight and decided to check and see if it was even still here; although I don't ever remember taking it down! Lo and behold, here it is. Oh, the nostalgia.

Yes, this blog is going to remain retired. I was absolutely amazed by the fact that I was still getting page views, in all honesty. I really was. The good news though; is that I am considering starting over and making a new blog, as I really miss writing about my daily life and misadventures as a submissive wife. Which, yes, I'm more than happy to report, I still am, and my Husband and Sir and I are well. We are still very much living and active in the lifestyle but our relationship and dynamic has undergone some major changes; which is why I feel a complete restart and reintroduction is necessary. We've grow by leaps and bounds together and I'm not completely sure you could or should call us and what we do and who we are DD anymore. We've gone beyond that in some ways so the Capital K in our "Kink" is larger than ever in fact. Maybe I'll tell you guys all about it if and when I decide to get a new blog up and running; but be patient, that may take me a bit (few weeks, few months?) Not really sure.

In the meantime, I just wanted to check in and say hello. (She LIVES!) I was honestly just going to finally delete this blog, but I will keep it up as a means of posting new info concerning new blog details and so on and so forth. I haven't spoken to any of you in literally years- so the only other thing I can say right now is that I hope you are all well also, and still happy and kinking on, despite life's daily grind and drama. I'm not sure how many of you would still even be interested in following me after learning about the various ways in which our marriage has changed; but if I do choose to hit the "Restart" button; as I have before many times in the past; I hope to still see most of you there, as well as possibly some new faces too!

For now-
Sara

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Curtain Call..

Well, I think I'm done here. I have been for awhile now I think, and just haven't taken the time to put up a post saying so. Sorry for being a dick, if anyone's been checking in on me, or trying to. But I'm done. With this blog. I just can't anymore. We're okay of course, as a couple. We're fine, great in fact. But there comes a time when you either have nothing interesting to post about, and/or blogging starts to feel like a chore or a burden of sorts. Both in my case. I'm as yet unsure whether or not I will delete this blog, cuz, well, we're still kinksters and I like to lurk on others' blogs...so who knows. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But I'm through posting. Ya'll have far hotter happenings to post about than I do, this is the sad truth. We're still a D/s couple and heavily into power exchange, but our dynamic has shifted..I'm not sure I'd really call it M/s anymore....my health  has taken a turn for the worst so we really can't..fucking life has intervened once again, and not in a good way. But, that aside, I'm trying to be positive...the Hell with my health, we will always be us, come what may, for better or for worse. The situation with my health isn't going to get better or improve, so we've got our hands full and are just stuck coping as best we can, but it sucks. Perhaps, if I decide to leave the blog up, I may pop in to say hi, but granted it probably won't be often. In the meantime, I'll be silently lurking on all of your blogs from time to time...somewhere in the background, I'll be there..but for now, it's pretty much good-bye. Sad, I know, but such is the story of my life lately. I have to prioritize and be a responsible adult and put my own health and wellness first (ooor I should say what's left of it :( ) This, accompanied by the fact that I see my man all of 4-5 days a month, has really cut into our together/play time. I suppose it's circumstances such as these that end up testing the integrity of a marriage...I can only hope that ours will stand the test of time, and despite the frequent distance between us, I have much faith that it will. That's all I've got guy's..I'm afraid the curtain is closing on this blog. I'll try not to disappear completely, but, if I do, well...LIFE. What can I say? Bye for now peeps...mourn not for me. I wish you all the very best, as always..

Love Always, 
sara

Friday, February 21, 2014

And Life Goes On....

Just wanted to let everyone know that I/we are alright, always alright, and still holding strong-together. Our lives are messy and complicated and beautiful, but also so full of struggle and pain. But despite it all, we have love, and each other. Which is our strength and all we need. Between my ailing health and the many other stressors that have been challenging us; I haven't even thought much about blogging or posting. There's just too much. I need to focus on the important stuff..me..us..and on keeping my strength and focus, not letting any of these negative draining things get me down. So in all honesty I'm not too sure how much attention I will be giving this blog in the near future. I can't promise any exciting news or posts; I can't even promise any regular posts at all. It just occurred to me today that I haven't even been on the Internet or using my pc (that obviously includes blogging) in months..I'm just too tied up (no pun intended) dealing with very stressful and painful real life stuff. Stuff that may or may not go away anytime soon, so my blog has to be a secondary thing and very much on the back burner at the moment. For all those who have followed me and supported me -thank you. You are not forgotten, and I DO promise that I will try and pop in from time to time. Love to you all-toodles for now. 

-sara

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Hitting Pause...

Our relationship seems to be undergoing another period of uncertainty and reconstruction. Please hold, it may be awhile. :x

XoXoX
sara

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Year, New Me? Let's Hope....

Sorry I haven't been around much guys. This won't be my characteristically long winded post. Just checking in. I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas! We did, aside from the horrific ice storm that hit us and  took out our power for a week. Oh, and our pipes froze and burst. That was terrific. Talk about a nightmare. We couldn't even stay in our own home for days so Master and I (and the kiddo one night) slept on my mother in law's couch or on an air mattress on her living room floor. Not the best, and hardly comfortable, but Mother Nature is a bitch, isn't she? Sometimes the biggest one of all in the event of a natural disaster (and the catastrophic ice storms we get here in Michigan occasionally count as natural disasters IMO). There were literally thousands and thousands of people without power or anywhere to go in our county alone, so nobody was comfortable and I grumbled but Master reminded me that we were among the lucky, at least we HAD a family member close by we could go stay with; otherwise we'd be frozen into Popsicles..so quit my moaning. Which I eventually did. Yes, I was sore and exhausted, but so was He. Plus He was doing more work than I was (physically and otherwise) trying to keep this family okay and intact..thank goodness He took a week off from work; otherwise holy crap, I'd have been lost without Him (as usual lol). So under those kind of circumstances, things are always rough, and you just have to muddle through. I didn't have much fun going to work a groggy crumpled mess, and even after our power was restored and we came back home; there was a huge burst pipe mess in our bedroom, so we had to sleep on our couch for 2-3 nights while it was fixed. I don't think we slept in our own bed for a week or more, but what are ya gonna do? We tried not to let it put too big of a damper on our Christmas, but it was hard. In the end, I think we did the best we could given what we had; which wasn't much. Everyone got some great stuff for Christmas (except Master, He never lets me get Him anything, rather He just spoils everyone else..ridiculous man. Sigh) so that was good. My mom got Him a few nice things and so did my brother so haha ;) All's well that ends well. 

Except my bottom. That is probably the one thing that was not left okay or in favorable condition when Master went back to work this morning. Cuz I've actually been a pretty bad girl lately. I mean over the course of the last several months. I don't know what's gotten into me..whether it's hormones or what..but I've been defiant, disrespectful, and generally just screwing up a lot. I broke some rules, carelessly disregarding His wishes. Done things I shouldn't have done, things I damn well knew better than to do. But for some reason, I did them anyway. He really couldn't do much with kiddo here, but He did let me know that He was very displeased and disappointed in me, that He had His "list" of my transgressions, and that as soon as kiddo was safely out of the house and back home, to trust that I'd be dealt with and reminded of my place. His partner, yet not His equal, by His side, yet at His feet. I DO know my place; there's just something..a little rebellious and stubborn minded about me..always has been. And that, my friends, is the problem. 

I won't go into what that list contained, or at least not all of it, but none of it was good. Then I went and fucked up AGAIN...without Him knowing right away, but I felt so guilty afterwards that I went right to Him and confessed my doings. Just His glare alone was enough to tell me that I was now in immeasurable trouble with Him. "As if you weren't in deep enough, you go and break a cardinal rule? One of the biggest most important rules there are? Really? Sometimes I really just don't understand you, sara. I KNOW you knew better than to go and do THAT without my permission. For God's sake, we've got some straightening out to do, haven't we?" It was a rhetorical question. I didn't answer, choosing to cower instead. 
What'd I do, you ask? Well, I friended another Dom online and chatted briefly with him. Just the one night, on Yahoo Messenger. Cuz that's where I talk to my friend who lives in the UK, and He's dating her, or her him, however you'd like to put it. She's been telling me all about him, see, asking for a bit of relationship advice here and there, and honestly it seems as though they've fallen rather hard for one another. But she's also just come out of a bad breakup/divorce with her last..err..Dominant, whatever label you want to use; and she's been crushed, hurt badly, her heart broken into  tiny pieces. So I'm worried (she's even worried) that she's fallen for another far too quickly, and that she hasn't yet given herself enough time to heal. She's  very needy right now, very unsure of herself...and every little thing that goes awry with this new relationship; well, she takes it upon herself and thinks/assumes that it's her fault for being too "clingy". It kinda pisses me off, as I'm not even sure this new guy has honorable intentions and/or is all He's cracked up to be, and I DO NOT want to see her get hurt again :( She wanted me to "meet" him (online), so being the over protective friend that I am, I went and connected with him, knowing full well that my Master would in no way, shape, or form be okay with that. But I really just wanted to "feel him out" and maybe get some sort of vibe from him that would provide me with more information about just what sort of guy he is. I only wanted to help protect her. In reality, he didn't seem very Dommy to me at all, but that's far from the point. How much can you REALLY tell about a person just from chatting with them online? You don't know whether they're being honest with you...and Is it/was it really my place to get that involved? As much as I care about her, probably not. Especially knowing that my Master wouldn't approve. I immediately had a guilt gut over it, so I went and showed Him what I'd done..hoping for a little understanding or leniency, since I'd only been trying to look out for my friend. I didn't get any. He read our short conversation, before deleting his contact info from my phone. 

"I want to trust you, sara, I really do..but you keep giving me more and more reasons NOT to. Why would you do that? You are never, and I mean NEVER, to speak with or contact another Dom without my approval, which you'd never get anyway- so just never. You know that. I know you think your intentions were innocent, but it is not your place to get involved in that, nor will it ever be, friends or no. And you KNEW I wouldn't approve. When will you learn?" Ashamed of myself, I had no reply. "I don't think 'in trouble' even covers your current status anymore", He remarked, whistling lightly under His breath. This was Saturday evening, the night before He took Jake home, so my punishment would have to wait till the following day, but the cold unmerciful stare I felt from clear across the room gave me chills from head to toe. 

When I awoke the following morning, the house was empty, so I knew that "the boys" were gone, and that Master was taking kiddo home and would be back. I got a text message from Him asking if I wanted anything from Starbucks. Puzzled, I replied with "Okay...". "One nice gesture, just one...you may need it with the day you have ahead of you." Oh. Always the gentleman. I smiled a little despite myself. 

He did bring me my latte, and then allowed me to drink it, although how much I enjoyed it I can't really say :/ After I'd finished, and He'd relaxed and collected Himself, gathering His thoughts, I was stripped of all clothing and collared (haven't been wearing my collar much, spoiled thing that I am). After that I sat helplessly, watching and waiting quietly as He chose and collected His choice of tools. Some of my most dreaded and feared, in fact. The heavy metal spatula, thick oak paddle, riding crop, and a few other assorted goodies. Horrified but humbled, I knew that whatever should follow, one thing was for certain. I deserved it. "You're not going to enjoy these next couple of days" He commented nonchalantly as He strode back over to me, tools in hand. I cast my eyes downward, looking at the floor. "You don't even wear your collar! I think you've lost your way a little, but rest assured, I'm  here to help you find your way again. What you need is a good solid punishment, a proper spanking. No more "dozen swats" for you. I'm going to spank you good and hard, and then when you're all nice and tender and bruised, I'm going to spank your bruises until THEY have bruises. You won't be sitting when I'm through with you. And you'll definitely think twice if not three times before disobeying me again". "Do you understand me?" Oh, shit. My day was already beginning to sound painful. "Yes,sir". The automatic response, because it's the easiest quickest response. But lately the rules have changed, and that just isn't enough. "I'm sorry?" He replied sternly, the warning in His voice. "Yes, Master". "You'd better try a little harder. Remember your manners little one." *Cringe*

He sat down on the couch, grabbing me a pillow, then hauled me over his knees, pinning me in place. He started with the most painful, the metal spatula, and proceeded to rain blow upon blow mostly upon my sit spots and upper thighs. It was either hold my breath or scream, so I tried to scream submissively into my pillow. I'm not very good at taking punishment spankings, not very good at all. I have no idea how long Round One lasted, but He did give me a break before flipping me into diaper position and dealing more damage to my thighs and backside. It was, what I thought to be, a very mean spanking, but I would have a new concept of "mean" by the time Monday evening rolled around. 
He gave me breaks throughout the day, but the next spankings only got worse, With Him ordering me into THE WORST spanking position ever, knees and elbows, with an already sore bottom/legs. I remember Him alternating implements, metal, paddle, a few with the whip..I screamed and sobbed, but true to His word, my lower cheeks and thighs were dark and bruised, tender and swollen as I lay on my belly crying into His lap during a mid-day punishment break. His harsh demeanor somewhat softened, He held my still naked body, stroking my hair, absorbing my tears. "I warned you.." He murmured." "I'm not enjoying this either, but I told you, you're going to learn your lesson this time. I'm not through with you just yet". I wailed in despair. "You can thank yourself, and all of your bad behavior lately" He said as He roughly (and very ungently) massaged lotion into my bruised and battered flesh. I screeched again, and He ignored me. "You are not allowed to speak to your friend without permission for a week. You can email her once and tell her that..and why.  IF I allow you to talk to her before then, the conversations will be short lived and only at my discretion. Do I need to instruct you about communications with her boyfriend?" "No, Master". "Good, I would hate to have to prolong your punishment and do this all again next weekend." I shuddered and winced as He slapped my bottom hard. 

The rest of that day became a blur..I was spanked once or twice more with no regard or consideration for my bruises or blisters. Again true to His word, He was harsh in my punishment, spanking my bruises an even darker shade, letting me cry. By days end I was a different woman, soft, meek, tearful, and a little afraid of my Master, having been reintroduced to His harsher side again. I definitely could not sit and it even hurt significantly to walk correctly..but there was a definite change in my attitude. I wasn't so carefree and glib in the way I spoke to Him. I was quick to obey and didn't dare utter anything sassy or disrespectful. I minded His every word immediately. Nothing like a down hard, good old fashioned ass whooping to reignite one's submissive side- I'm living proof..it works.  I slept uncomfortably that night, at best. It hurt so much to even move, or to lay on my back or either side..and He would squeeze and grab unexpectedly. Ugh. 

I thought that, if I showed Him that I'd truly learned my lesson, the next day could and would go a little easier for me. It didn't, because I am a fucking dumbass. He caught me redhanded in a small untruth/lie. I didn't even MEAN to lie, He was asking about something that had happened previously, and I'd forgotten about it...but it didn't matter. He went into the kitchen, retrieving a thick wooden spoon, twirling it in His hand as He returned. There was sadness in His expression, but a bit of irony and sadistic amusement, too. I just about started to cry right then. I think I might have begged   Him. I don't know. I made desperate un-thought-out remarks about Him being cruel and inhumane, to which He arched an eyebrow inquisitively. ( Note to self: do not ever accuse one's Master of being cruel or inhumane, unless perhaps you'd like a hands on demonstration of what those words can and do mean). I had to apologize quickly, but no matter. It didn't change a thing. "You.have.to.learn.to.tell.me.the.TRUTH" He said, His voice low and menacing, pronouncing every syllable clearly. "You WILL learn to be truthful, and without a second thought. Pity your bottom, but pull those panties off. You're doing this to yourself..I'm going to have to address this." I looked at Him with big sad puppy dog eyes. A girl can try. It didn't work, not that I had much hope in the first place. I ended up bare, paddled, and once again succumbing to a never ending flood of tears. It doesn't take much when your ass is looking the way mine does at the moment. 

Thankfully there was only one more spanking on Monday and yes, although I have no idea how, I survived it. I just won't be sitting comfortably for a long, long time. On the upside, my spirit feels cleansed of any wrongdoing now, and I feel like I finally have the fresh start I've been needing for awhile now. I underestimated the mental and psychological effect that a hard cleansing punishment like that can have on one. I've noticed a change in Master, too. Rules are no longer optional depending on "how I feel" (they never were, FYI. Lol) and they are going to be strictly (emphasis on the word "strictly") enforced from now on. I'm stubborn, and some of them (like my bedtime) rule will be excruciatingly difficult for me to follow, but somehow I'm a little more..uh..motivated now? Some say that you shouldn't fear your Master, that it's a bad thing if you do. Just wrong. I guess we disagree with that. I always have feared Him, but only a little. He says that's a good thing, and as it should be. It's a fair balance, because I'm also madly in love with Him, and I know that He adores me and will always take care of me, at any cost. 

Goodnight Everyone, 
Wishing you all a healthy and happy New Year!

XOXOX
sara (the impossibly stubborn girl) 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

A Few Changes...

So I went and renamed my blog and updated my look ;) I know, it looks great right? Well, I think it does. The main reason for this is because, believe it or not, I was never really crazy about the title of "Ravaged Ragdoll". When I first started this blog, I couldn't for the life of me decide on a decent or fitting title for it, so I just settled on something goofy, whatever happened to pop Into my head..and at that moment in time, for whatever reason, that had been Ravaged Ragdoll. But no more! Although my web address will remain the same (www.ravagedragdoll.blogspot.com), I have come up with a better and what I consider to be a more truthful and accurate blog title and description. So yes, welcome to my new wardrobe! It's purple! Bwahaha! ;) 

Master left out for work again this morning. We had a nice weekend, all things considered, but nothing too eventful or exciting. Now days I'm just thankful for any and all time I get to spend with Him; even if it's not much. It is what it is. I love Him and miss Him dearly, all the more reason to make the most of what precious little time we have together. We had little J (my step son) over for a few days, which has become customary, and we are doing our best to guide him and help keep him on track, as he seems to be struggling terribly in school. Well, Master is doing His best to intervene and keep him focused and on track. As a step parent my authority and input is more limited, but I'm definitely here for back up and moral support if needed. We did get him Into the doctor for a check-up and to see about getting him back on some medication for his ADHD, which I'm assuming is part if not most of the problem, as he takes after his father and is a very bright kid. 

In other news, I'm glad to report that the sexual drought mentioned in my last post  seems to be lifting slowly but surely. ;) I haven't a clue whether Master read that post (I kind of doubt it, He rarely reads my blog), but I did wonder briefly if maybe He had..because by the time He arrived home He was ready to devour me, much to my surprise and delight ;) So it seems I wasn't being mind-fucked or punished after all. We didn't get as much bedroom time as we'd hoped, but there still ended up being time to "appreciate" one another :) And it was good. Except I may have gotten a little too passionate and a little too into it. This is a new feeling for me, but lately I've started feeling a tad aggressive during sex. Like the rougher He is with me, the rougher I want to be with Him. Not out of anger, just out of passion, desire, and ecstasy. Instead of just taking everything He had to give submissively like I normally would have, I bit and clawed at Him with my nails like some kind of wild animal. He didn't like it. He told me to knock it off, that I wasn't allowed to do those things, and when I ignored His warnings He hit me. But that just fueled my fire. I dug my nails deeper into His back and biceps, as hard as I could until He growled a final warning at me, grabbing me up by my hair and yanking it hard. When I rebelled still and bit Him on His jawbone, clamping my teeth down brutally without regard, He slapped my face and managed to strike both breasts at once, trying to even the score as He paused to rub His chin and grimace. We were up on the bed, but before I knew it I was somehow down on the floor, His hand pressing down on the back of my head, my face and mouth smashed flat against the cold unyielding floor as He fucked me hard, bruises forming on my knees as I moaned. I guess that's what you get when you taunt the beast ;) Afterwards He left me in a crumpled heap on the floor, where I stayed for a bit to recuperate. He went about His business, brushing Himself off, completely ignoring me, stepping over me as if I weren't there at all..and it was pure bliss. My inner masochist, fed at last. God help me, I may just have to taunt the beast a little more often ;) 

XOXO
sara

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Coasting...

Meh. I'm here, treading water, living my life, and somehow making it through each day, even when sometimes it feels as if I may NOT make it. This is just a fast update post to catch everyone up to speed. My damned laptop broke. So I am once again minus a computer, and will be for awhile. That is, at least partially, why I haven't posted. (It's always something with me, isn't it?) One of these days I'll quit being so full of bullshit and excuses. Not really but at least my intentions are honorable..lol. The part about my PC isn't BS...the charging cable/power pack really is fried, and of course Master claims that this is my own fault, even though I hardly use the damn laptop. Eyeroll. Apparently I shouldn't have left it plugged in 24/7. I don't know. The replacement part is only $15, and He could easily just order it online for me and be done with it..buut no. He told me that He'll get me a new one after Christmas, which, as we all know, is still over a month away. My birthday is a week away, but apparently that's irrelevant and doesn't count. Lol. Evidently "going without" my computer " isn't going to kill me" and might even "teach me to treat my things with a little more care and respect". So there we have it. The verdict that is. I don't know why He has to always act like Leave It To Beaver's Dad, but He does, and He's my owner and sometimes it's just...sigh. Never mind. 

Moving right along. I'm still able to make mobile posts from my phone so "Ta Da!" ;) 

I called this post "Coasting" because I really couldn't come up with anything better, and in all honestly, that's pretty much what I'm doing anyhow. Just coasting along. Nothing major has really happened. I'm doing that thing that most of us go through, that thing where I desperately fight and rebel against His control; when the truth is what I really want and need is more of it. I know. I don't get me, either. But I know I'm not the only one who does this. He hates when I "test the waters" and He's been pretty zero tolerance about it. Which is fine..He's such a total uncompromising control freak that I expect that..but it's the issues we have with consistency that really screw me up. As in, some days He decides to be easy, fun loving and lenient, and other days He goes back to being a total prick..strict, unsympathetic, and a little cold. Obviously it depends largely on His mood. As my own behavior depends on mine. But how do I know which days/times it's okay to slip up a little and when it's absolutely going to be unacceptable? Ya know what I mean? Do any of you gals struggle with this swinging hammer too, or is it really just me? Cuz He's punished me for things I've done in the past that, just recently, He for whatever reason decided to let slide. I never quite know when He's going to rake me across the coals. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe I'm not meant to know the inner workings of His mind..not Meant to be able to predict Him. Maybe it's just as well. 

He's still closely monitoring my diet and what I eat and do not eat, and He's still forcing me and ordering me to send him pictures of all my meals. Talk about micromanagement. It's been utterly maddening. And because He's forcing me to eat more (or, as He says, "eat reasonably"), I've gained a little of that lost weight back, and I'm not at all happy about it. He's aware of my displeasure..He just doesn't care. Because oh yeah, He's the boss and what He says goes. Grrrrrr...

I feel like He's been fucking with me lately. Mentally. Sexually. Just. Totally. Mind fucking me. If He ISN'T doing this on purpose then I don't know what's going on- but He literally has me so frustrated I could scream. Could be I'm making assumptions and jumping the gun. Maybe He really Is just tired, distracted, stressed out, whatever..you fill in the blank. But goddamn. The sex hasn't been white-hot, it's been more or less just not there at all. And that, my friends..well that just isn't like Him, so it's given me pause. We don't see each other much. Roughly about 6-8 days a month. So when we DO have alone time together, which is next to never, especially now that there's a child in our lives, bless his 12 year old little heart, I'd like to take advantage of it, ya know? And we used to. But now..or, at the very least for the last 4-6 weeks..well, it's been a drought. I mean so dry I'm coughing up dust, and it SUCKS. But I can't blame it all on Him, cuz life..it gets in the way, even in the best and strongest of relationships and/or marriages. Shit happens. But holy shit I'm lonely. More so than I normally would be for some reason..and I'm just YEARNING for the man. Hungering for Him. When He comes home for all of a few days I'm desperate for attention and want Him all to myself, but it doesn't work that way. He has so many other things to do and worry about, a son and mother who need Him too, I can't be selfish and lord knows I try not to be. But it's hard. I'm often left ignoring my own wants and needs. I try not to be envious when someone else gets more of Him than I do. I try and understand that there are reasons..good reasons behind what He does, and why. He isn't purposefully neglecting me. As a submissive wife, I don't presume to know how His time is best spent..and I don't make pointed suggestions on the matter either. If I ever have, you'd best believe they were subtle in nature. He's taught me my place, and I know just where it is. But, that doesn't mean that He doesn't value my opinion or my input..so it's been getting tricky, navigating these waters. They've been dark and choppy lately, but I'm doing my best. 

Still though..this physical distance between us lately..it's killing me softly. Worse, I am uncertain as to whether or not it is intentional. I want Him. Madly, I want Him. Like an animal. But, maybe our libidos are mismatched at the moment. As I said, He's either distracted, or His sexual appetite just isn't there. There's been a few hugs and cuddles here and there, pecks on the cheek, quick kisses in passing..the kind of absent minded shit we do when we start becoming complacent. That's not what I want. I want the biting, slapping, hair pulling, tit twisting, pussy pounding rough stuff. Sorry. I just do. I know where my sexual appetite lies, and it's definitely not MIA. But He won't indulge me! Even when I've made my  devious desires known, or at least tried to..I got nothing from Him. Just the "Oh, aren't you adorable! Since when is this about you and what you want, again? Remind me...". Ya know..that. We've had sex a few times in..err..2 months..but other than that? He hadn't touched me, teased me, played with me, or shown me any kind of attention. He'll want attention when He wants it..I'll do what I'm told and I'll damn well like it ( I do, honestly lol) but He's treating me like an object and a possession more now than He ever has before. Sort of de-personifying me a bit, if you will. And I won't lie, I'm fucked up enough to kinda like it. But not the sexual deprivation part. I can ask for it, but I won't get it. He'll let me take care of Him, and what HE wants/needs, but then kinda just smile, ruffle my hair, give me a "good girl" and be on His fucking way. Denying me anything in return, when He knows I so desperately crave it. Cold, aloof, and sadistic..at least to a small degree. I still love Him and worship Him sure, but the real question is whether this torture is deliberate, and if so, what am I to be learning from it. Because whatever the lesson, I'd like to get it over with and not have to repeat it any time soon. I don't get punished for self-play/ masturbation ( I don't think), and it's a damn good thing right now LOL. I've tried and tried during His much too short time at home to finagle some of His attention for myself, but the best I've gotten is being allowed to give a few blow jobs, which I totally put my all into. Aside from that, it's been about His needs, and the good obedient girl in me has obliged subserviently, despite her own suffering. I gave the back rubs and massages, willingly and without complaint or hesitation, but when I asked if I might get one too His answer was "Meh" and then later No. Lol. I'm the one with the fucked up back and body..go figure. I didn't cry about it, I only wanted to feel His hands on my body. When I finally brought the subject of the dry spell back up, and in all seriousness asked Him what was going on; as my Husband, please let me in and tell me; He assured me that physically it had nothing whatsoever to do with me or His level of attraction towards me..it's just that He hasn't been in the mood, so to speak. His tone was honest, and I did believe Him, but I still have butthurt over the whole thing. The way He's been withholding sex I really had thought it was just all torture and mind fuckery, punishment for something I'd done and not realized yet. But according to Him? Not the case. And I'll just have to grow up, stop being such a slut, and deal with it. I shall try, Master of mine. 

Having said all of that, He has been pretty strict with me. I didn't get the promised maintenance spankings from before, but I wasn't about to complain about that. In fact there wasn't much spanking at all this time..just nasty threats, the purpose of which I'm guessing were to keep me in line. It worked, and was an effective scare tactic after that last unmerciful whooping I'd received last time He was home. Yes, I'd deserved it, but fuck it hurt! For days...which was the point and desired objective according to Master. Punishment isn't meant to be enjoyed. And since He's wise enough to see that I'm a bit of a masochist, He has to make sure He's disciplining me hard enough to get through "my thick little head" as He likes to call it ;) He's seemed to have sharpened His hold on me. When we're together, my full attention needs to be on Him. If He speaks to me or asks a question, my response better be quick and appropriately phrased. No lagging or hesitation. And for God's sake no mouthing off. I got my face slapped for that, and for  repeatedly looking down while He berated me and refusing to look Him in the eye. It happened a couple of times, and both shocked me and made me melt a little, as He hasn't struck me like that in awhile. It's usually His way of saying "I'm not fucking around". And it works. It makes me feel humbled in a way that can't quite be put into words. But as sexually frustrated as I currently am, it's been hard to be 100% compliant and obedient. Hell, it's ALWAYS hard for me, with or without the added frustrations. One night I just kinda lost control, emotionally, and started to cry when He scolded me. I mean I just wept. Because it hurt my feelings, what He'd said. He could see that my tears were real and not a ruse and that I was struggling and failing to hide them and hold them back. I watched my Iron Man visibly soften as He gathered me up in a big protective papa bear hug. I could tell that He now felt like the world's biggest dick. "Don't cry, damn" He muttered. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, but I've got a lot on my mind right now and need you to understand that. Okay?" "Okay Daddy" I whimpered. It sounded more juvenile than intended, but He knows I use the term Daddy affectionately, so He smiled and brushed away my tears. It's been that kind of crazy up and down emotional roller coaster couple of months, at least for me. The crazy part? I had to cry to get Him in the mood. What the hell. Yep, we're two fucked up people..we really are. Lol. 

At least my sleep paralysis attacks have ceased, I'm thankful for that much. We both think they may have been caused by me weaning myself off of one of my medications..or at least He believes that and after a couple weeks of getting back to normal and trying desperately to shake the residual anxiety left behind by these events, He more or less has me convinced that He may be right. Maybe my brain and body just needed time to readjust to not having the drug in my system. Regardless, Master has decided that I WILL keep my scheduled appointment with the sleep specialist in December, sleep paralysis or no. He still wants me to have the work up done, as I'm still not sleeping well. I have never been able to sleep well or restfully, and Master is hoping the sleep clinic might be able to help us figure out why. I hope so, too. Physically I've been feeling like total crud. I always suffer from chronic pain, that's true, but it has been especially severe and/or crippling lately..and I'm wondering if we made a mistake in discontinuing the couple of medications I quit. It's just that financially speaking, we're sick of paying for them. It adds up quick :/ Master would never let me go without were I truly in need, but this is an experimental phase during which we need to figure out which meds are necessary and which aren't, if any. It's hard when your health is as tricky and fucked up as mine is. And with me only able to work part time, we need to distribute funds carefully. 

Master does work hard and does shoulder a lot of responsibility..and I'm trying my best to remain conscious and respectful  of that. Things are far from easy on my end either, but I have a Master who takes care of me, and I'm thankful for Him in every way. Geeze. Maybe His attempts at teaching me humility are actually working. I don't know. What I do know is that while we have precious little time together, I am always learning with Him, learning FROM Him. It's a constant journey of self-discovery and it's really letting me in on what life is all about, and what I'm really made of. I know I have a long way to go, but I have also come much further already than I ever could have thought possible. 

On the other hand, maybe I just need to get laid ;) Abstinence causes madness..and I surely don't recommend it. 

Must go, it's after 2am and well past any designated bedtime I may have had. 

Goodnight land of blogs..